My life has consisted of stolen moments whispering voices descending from yesterday’s clouds waiting for the winds of tomorrow. They gently caress the heart, trying to take away all pain and sorrow. In the quiet twilight, a glimpse at dominant emotions and the spirit cries yesterday will never return, and the life of painlessness will never come.
Will the soul ever be free! Evolving into the now from a world of pain, time journeys onward, and the spirit understands life stays the same. Emerging from a life that only the mind and body know, and then there is the never-ending wait for a new life without pain to begin, yet there will never be a new beginning.
Tears no longer fall upon paling cheeks; truth stays hidden deep within the soul; finally, I realize that the true story may never be told. Living alone day after day becomes a way of life; the cocooned pain keeps away sorrow and strife. I wait for the pain to end!
Recently, I made the decision to “block” an individual from my life. This was not easy! I felt it necessary as I do not want nor am I able physically to deal with the drama. In doing so I gave careful consideration to what it meant to be “toxic”. They met all of the criteria, and the drama was draining me of what little emotional energy that I possessed during this difficult time of my life.
The time I have, I want to put toward completing the book that I am working on, and trying to put those in my life that wants truth and not lies. A life time of lies have been overlooked, and much of it does not help me conserve my strength. I have not posted for awhile, but felt this was a good subject, there may be others who have held onto toxic situations and this posting may help them to turn loose.
Toxic behavior is generally defined as any behavior that negatively impacts others. The greatest one I believe is taking everything too personally. People are toxic to be around when they believe that everything happening around them is a direct assault on them or is in some way all about them. Toxic people are unhappy and unhealthy on the inside. Common traits of a Toxic Person are, they always want to be “given”, they live in a crisis mode, all the time.
Common traits of a Toxic Person are, they always want to be “given”, they live in a crisis mode, all the time. Nothing is ever their fault, they never follow through, and they lie about things that do not matter. They have no empathy for others.
It is not wrong to eliminate Toxic People from your life, you cannot be firm or set boundaries, it is not your job to save them. When it’s done, it’s done; treat it like a breakup that it is. Toxic people will do their best to drag you down. It is you that feels the anxiety, it is you that blames yourself on your communication skills. Toxic people will drain you of your energy.
If they are doing this to you, cut them out of your life for good. It’s not a sentimental journey, delete, delete, delete. It’s time to put yourself first. The behavior of a toxic person will affect our mental health and well-being. They have the power to sick the joy and happiness from within you and replace it with stress, anger, sadness, and other unwelcome feelings.
When you go through life believing that you are owed something, you will suffer endless deficiency; this is true of a toxic person. Toxic people blame everyone but themselves for their so-called “woes”. Toxic people act without sincerity, integrity, and honesty. Their world is made p of chaotic and unpredictable problems. A toxic person needs constant attention and will go to any length to get what they desire.
A toxic person’s life is filled with dama. They believe that the worst will happen to them so they cannot enjoy their day-to-day living. Their negative thoughts lead to negative actions and soon find themselves in a downward spiral to a bottomless pit. yy never follow through, and they lie about things that do not matter. They have no empathy for others.
It is not wrong to eliminate Toxic People from your life, you cannot be firm or set boundaries, it is not your job to save them. When it’s done, it’s done; treat it like a breakup that it is. Toxic people will do their best to drag you down. It is you that feels the anxiety, it is you that blames yourself on your communication skills. Toxic people will drain you of your energy. Their negative thoughts lead to negative actions and soon find themselves in a downward spiral to a bottomless pit.
Memories, the past has many doors to open, one could spend a lifetime in these corridors of time. Rooms bulging with stories good and bad; they rise to fill our minds with happiness, joy or sadness. Like soft petals falling to the ground, so does the memory of our life fall gently upon our hearts?
I have spent the last three weeks in the hospital and one in a rehab/nursing facility, four weeks.. I fell! I was transported to the hospital. Within the one week that I was there I was diagnosed with bone cancer, severe anemia and the fall broke my back and right foot. I am on the mend; cancer will never go away, a rare one with no cure. The anemia will hopefully at one point change and the broke back will mend. I have a back brace that has to be ultra tight on me, and I must wear a brace for the rest of my life. Oh well, I still have my sense of humor!
That’s the bad news; the good is that I have mega writing time. I feel stripped of both worlds. Only my computer gives light to my days and nights, creating reality and chalets the world of imagination.
I want to share the meaning of creating poetry. What I see in a poem, it is an image in my mind that must have all the words come together to creates a story. When creating a poem it becomes the center of my existence. A writer, actually lives in two worlds, one of reality and one of make believe. There are times when they meld together; I fear one day the latter will become my only world. This may come with senility? At my age, I doubt I will ever see that stage of life.
Currently the world of make believe, fiction, blogging and imagination serves me well. It masks the pain! My site, gives me an outlet to create in my poetry how I feel emotionally too. The realm of imagination is one of quiet periods of reality and fiction join together to give the strength to find a reason for existence.
Peace and Love to each of you.
A Life Unrepressed
Lighting surges through a war of disrespectful words, tears descending, wet. In times of uncertainty, an unknown sadness is out of control, a smile, a gesture; or fear clings to a receptive body. Words may not bring rest or smiles, the soul deep within knows.
There is no one that can unlock the heart, nothing that can be said or felt. Thoughts, do not reveal or conceal, disguise the lack of sympathy, place blame and criticize. Alienate the voice, if only for one moment feel free. Fate, possession, strife, and life.
The genuine self, forced to obey, despite and un-regarded life blind to the hurt of others will embed hate eternally. The knowledge of life fire and force, walking down a rough path; deep pain. No spirit, hate has the power to control, nameless feelings that have conceded to a life unrepressed. Speak and act so no one will know hidden damage floating down to the soul.
The hidden self, inward strife and following demands; in return, a thousand nothings, all-miraculously give power. Hide in the depths of the soul; echo speaks of pain. Lackluster eyes stare, glare, and the words unspoken deafening creating fear. A bolt of tones, frightening, is piercing ears.
No feeling stirs, the heart laid plain, unaware of a life winding down, no meadows of flowers, no sun, no breeze, and the madness is elusive to all. No feeling, no respite. In quietness, the war of mocking words; the tears, the sadness. The thoughts of the sea, the crashing waves; soul and spirit sinking within its wet madness and always stay, stay, and stay.
Too late, love revealed itself in death, and the heart has nothing to say. Living and moving in disguises, alien, until the end. Life had nothing to possess, strife, identity. Blind, uncertainty, life no fire or restlessness, a thirst for the mystery of it all, nameless feelings lived in vain. The loss, the heart lay open for all to see, the hurt hidden twisted among the rubble of pain. Yet, after all that, there is tomorrow.
The hospital room has become a sanctuary of darkness and light. My Angels are living here with me during every sleeping and waking moment. Their love and kindness are teaching me patience; the pain cleans my soul showing me the way.
I do believe that their light shines upon me. They also with the pills made available takes me from the darkness and pain, the pain is leaving me with a certain wisdom that I have never known before. Maybe this road that I must now travel is a blessing in disguise. Bone cancer, will do this to one! One where I can see the truth and bring it to others in my writing.
If this newly found wisdom brings me closer to home, it will all be worth it. My Dixie is another Angel in my life, so loving never meets a stranger, never mad always happy and she loves her mama. When you are looking death in the face, you either embrace it or try to hide it. I am trying to be open to this new chapter in my life and share it with all who will read my blog. It is hard to explain how beautiful life can be if you remove yourself from toxic “things”. Love and forgiveness is truly the right path to journey upon. I will continue to write my fiction, to create my poetry and prose. Please visit often. EAJM
AUTHORS NOTE: I wrote this poem over the past several weeks. Politics, rallies and violence from the white people has covered a once proud nation. Somewhere along the way during this political time we have lost sight of other drastic problems in our nation. The BLM movement. Have we learned nothing as a nation? The trials of the Black people did not end with the Civil War and the freedom they was given. There was no justice then and there is no justice now. These proud people were taken against their will, dropped into misery by the white southern land owners. They were not allowed to read or write they had to live as “slaves”. This was a problem when the War ended slavery, many land owners cruelly tossed the black people off their land. They did not know what to do, no education, no jobs, no homes. When the white man saw them seemingly without purpose walking up and down roads, it was not that they were lost; no, they were looking for family that had been taken from them. With the presidential election over, with a pandemic possibly under control, let’s not forget that “BLACK LIVES STILL MATTER”. Let’s not forget the “whiteness” of our skin and the privilege that comes with it. We must always remember, lest we forget the horrors of the past. We are all responsible, we all need to focus on the moment and do what we can to make the lives of a great people better.