Thought’s in the Day of a Writer…#405

I am in my second year after being diagnosed with Multi Myeloma (Bone Cancer). The life expectancy is as low as 2.5 years and tops 4 years. I kept the depression and anxiety levels down the first year, not because of denial but the sheer strength of my mind. In the second year, the depression and anxiety returned with a vengeance. I have gotten weaker and fatigued and have this sense of urgency about accomplishing what I have wanted since retirement: writing. I have published several books of poetry, including an autobiography about my daughter, who passed away in 2010. I have begun my own life story this past year. Then this cloud that many carry above them, depression, and anxiety. I have found that poetry is making a comeback, but slowly. Sales have not been at the top of my money chart. Another worry is that I am starting something that I will not have time to finish. My life has been long, more of a saga, filled with bits of happiness given to me by my children and emotional and physical abuse woven in and out throughout the years.  

The urgency involves my writing. I have been writing since I could print words, simple words. Poems for my aunt and daddy, which she would destroy if found by my mother. I had been told since I was old enough to remember that I would never be anything because I was not as beautiful as my sister Billie nor as bright; all I could hope for was to marry and have someone take care of me. This non-encouragement caused me to work toward good grades and educate myself if schooling was not available. Like many southern girls, I was married “off” to someone much older than me, an abuser. I never gave up wanting to write. I was a closet writer until I retired from the public workforce, fearing that it would be destroyed if it was found.

This brings me to when I give thought to be a writer. Also, what type of writer did I want to be. I have always loved poetry; my poetry books are filled with heartache and anguish that was my life. Many have said that it was “dark” poetry. It was mainly dark as it was given birth from that dark place within me. Many have suggested that I seek help and counseling. Don’t we all need counseling in some form, depression, and/or anxiety?

To be a writer, one must have good communication skills and be able to share a point concisely and clearly. I began years ago by keeping a daily journal; with this journal, I could draw upon incidents in my life that would allow me to put them into my poetry or short stories. I have been told that writing is never a lonely activity; for me, it was because I have always thought of myself as a loner. I turn within, thinking about what I wanted to say, how I wanted to write it to bring others into my “dark” world of reading what I wrote. I know I am not alone; many carry the same burdens that I do, much worse than mine. We may not be alone, but it is a lonely world for me. A world where I can hide and play the part needed to be played.

I have never looked at my writing as a job, one I could make a living regularly doing; be another Sylvia Plath or Grace Paley. That was why I waited until retirement to pursue my desire to write. I write because I love to create, to share with others. Yet, to share those, others must buy my books; maybe poetry was not the best choice. Perhaps a collection of short stories would have been more profitable? However, once again, urgency raises its worrisome head. There are constant changes in publishing and marketing, and I try to keep up with those when necessary. Writers must have adaptability when needed. Discipline is something that comes naturally to me. However, with cancer, treatments and the side effects that come with it does override discipline. It overshadows time, fatigue takes over no matter how committed I may be, and my challenges are health problems I have no control over.

I am organized, have a designated workspace, and have all the proper writing tools; I research what is needed to put out the correct information. I edit, edit, edit…I know what I want to write. I follow all the principles and have proofreaders. I copyright my material. I have had this blog for years. I am a people watcher, listen to tones, and am always mindful of syntax. I try to switch topics, poetry, short stories, newsworthy information, and opinions in my blog. I try to think critically, change styles, and learn new techniques. I follow some social media. However, I am a loner and a lone thinker.

There are two things that I need to observe. Slip away from fatigue and pain; my work may be more productive. Secondly, sales!

It has been a very long day for me, so I will leave you with this, never give up on your dreams.

©2022.elizabethannjohnsonmurphree

Books by the author at Amazon.com and Barnes&Noble.com…

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/elizabeth%20ann%20johnson%20murphree

The life story of Charlotte Jean Murphree 7/13/1958 – 7/21/2010

11 thoughts on “Thought’s in the Day of a Writer…#405

  1. Yes. Don’t give up, Elizabeth. When I set out on my A Knight’s Tale I wondered whether I would be able to finish it. My thoughts were that my blog has been a diary; I have a daughter who can write well; she could finish it for me. Just saying……

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As you probably know, my son Chuck Murphree whom I feature here often is also a writer of YA, speaks for Mental Health, and we are a family who fights that demon depression and anxiety. He could and would finish anything that I start. Its like being pregnant, I hope to see the finished project. Thank you Derrick for being so supportive of me. You are in my thoughts. E.

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  2. When you have good health days, why not write what is your passion…poetry. Some may say it’s dark, but many good writings come from a dark place. What you have accomplished up to this point will be available to others when your time comes. Many will continue to enjoy your work, even if a few.

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  3. I’ve never walked in your shoes, Elizabeth, nor have I gone through what you are going through now. But I’ve been close and there is a peace available that defies understanding; when we rest and trust in Jesus. And no, these are much more than mere words that I speak. Our ways are all futile; when we come to the end of ourselves, and we turn to resolve to rest and trust in Him. It’s only one step, but it transcends our mountains and valleys and brings peace within, in spite of what we see and in spite of what we feel. Jesus knows exactly what you are going through, He’s gone through it Himself. And He knows you far better than you do yourself, and still holds out His hand. Reach for His hand, Elizabeth. Accept Him for who He is. God’s grace, peace and blessings, to you and yours. – Bruce

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hello Bruce, thank you for the wonderful comment. I have walked beside or ridden on the shoulders of Jesus since I was twelve years old. I know that he knows my every thought and desire. I trust in God the Father, and leave the afterwards to God the Father and God the Son. Without him I do not know where I would be. My testimony is in my silence, my words and soul, my spirit sores with the thought of going home someday, but for now I ask that he allow me in his great wisdom to accomplish what I want to do in my writing. I am not a me person, I trust in my daily talks with Jesus that he truly “takes the wheel”. E.

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      1. I am so glad to hear that Elizabeth! Sometimes what you write from your heart, casts a dark shadow and the darkness can almost be felt. That scared me when I think of what you are enduring. I will be keeping you in my prayers and asking for God’s grace to give you the fulfillment of your wishes. I had cancer a good number of years ago, so I do know some of what you are going through. I am also thankful that you had precious time with your sons. If there is ever anything that I can do, please let me know. May God’s grace, peace and blessings be poured upon you and yours. Love in Christ – Bruce

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