Tongues of Fire…#4

Tongues of Fire…

I sit looking at the deep snow and the trees burdened with ice.  My eyes have fallen on this scene for many winters, some more destructive than others.  I cannot get outside for the fear of falling.  I am trapped in this my last home and there is no place to run, even if I could run.  I walk the halls of the building where my apartment is located to heal myself, to collect any energy that I can in an effort to, not get to where I was in my health before, but to get to a place where I can return to being self-sufficient.

For those who are joining this journey in the “Last Chapter”, welcome!  I recently, two weeks ago experienced a shocking fall.  One week in the hospital and one week at home now.  I managed to reach eighty years of age before obtaining “Life Alert”.  I am leery of its use; will it work outside the home?  Is it my badge attributing to old age?   

Therefore, as I sit here a captive audience with the outside world, I begin to think of Charlotte, the precious daughter I lost nine years ago.  The loss devastated me it broke me inward, and then within days I lost the second daughter.  I continue my fight to survive as I have three other children. 

Do not let anyone tell you that grief has a timeframe, it cannot be planned, you are stopped lifeless in your pathway the moment it comes into your life.  Your mind is taken over as if in a caged sleep, a tear shed, the thoughts of others is false, caring is edging upon destruction as most portray a lie.  The words they are in a better place does not meld into my thoughts, there is no better place accept with me.

You feel as if you are the only person in the world to know grief and those with their caring falseness does not know your grief.  I do not dislike them; they like many other have not experience grief.  Spitefulness in my thoughts is held captive even the sleeping mind that at times is not allowing me to wake.  

There are those that cannot be trusted, they show concern for their own selves and their own greed.  Forgive them; they cause pain to the minds of the blameless and some find in it joy, you feel that their tongue of fire knows not the truth.  If grief should touch your life, it will never be the same; all you want to do is…

Run, Run, Run,

You will momentarily lose touch with yourself and with others we fall into a robot like way of seeing and thinking and doing. You allow yourself to be truly in touch with where we already are no matter what there is we have got to stop the experience long enough to let the present moment sinking in, long enough to actually feel the present moment, see it in its fullness to hold it in a wariness and thereby come to know and understand yourself better.

Sometimes we accept the truth of others as to be our own we do not learn from it yet we move on. We are occupied are preoccupied with the past what is already happened, or with the future has yet to arrive. We look for a place to stand and grieve, where we hope things will be better, happier, more the way we want them something gets in the way. We are aware of it all, or partially aware, our lives and affects that our actions have on others, our thoughts have to be what we see and do not see, what we do and do not do.

Most of the time we fall, quite unaware, and to assuming that what we are thinking, the ideas and opinions that we harbor at any given time, or the truth about what is out there in the world and in here in our minds most of the time it just isn’t true. We pay a high price for the mistaken unexamined assumptions for a touring of the richness of our present moments.

Life accumulates silently coloring our lives without our knowledge it or being able to do something about it. We may never quite be where we actually are never quite touched the fullness of our possibilities. We lack to look at ourselves and to a personal fiction that we already know whom we are, that we know where we are and what is going on and that we know what is happening.

All the while, we remain enshrouded in thoughts, fantasies and sudden impulses, mostly about the past and about the future. We have our own ideas of what we want and like, and what we fear and do not like, which out of continuously control others lay our direction and the ground we are standing on changes, but not for those of us clinging to “The Last Chapter”.

Love and Peace



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